This is a question I often ask myself as if I haven't yet realized I am pregnant. My name is Jeannette, I am 31 single and live in Toronto, surprise on that one. For the past 3 years I have been "making a living" as a freelance Costumer for film and TV and stylist. Recently making the jump into show and event producing. Really loving my work and having the time of my life. My experiences are great my friends and family are great, yeah I could be making more money but nothing comes before it's time. I love to travel to hot places and up until recently was happier than a pig in shit as they say.
I was never really convinced that I'd ever be married, in some form of long term 'relationship' yes but married, I don't know. I knew I wanted children and figured I would as all my friends did that I would be the first of us late in life moms-to-be to have a child just because I was wild like that, you know Jeannette no behaviour as we Caribbean folk would say. Sure enough the Laws of Attraction kick in and here I am 5 months pregnant. After the night of the blessed event, something told me, girl you are pregnant. Heading on a flight to Toronto the very next morning I said to myself we will soon see. OMG, what if I was what would I do. I thought at 31 years old I could not possibly be thinking abortion but I really am in no place financially to deal with this in the manner in which it deserves. Once my intuitions were confirmed, I did feel a spark of happiness even before the utter fright set in. I was heading on a cross Canada promotional tour for a national network TV show and kept my news to my self. For the time being. I knew the reaction would not be good so let me get through this. The morning or I'm going to call it pregnant sickness set in right away so I had to curb my miserableness so that nobody asked me questions, I could barely eat and was tired all the time. After one of my tour mates guessed what was happening to me I decided to tell one of my other friends that was on tour with us. She was shocked of course I really was not interested in any lectures however. I was at that point fully aware of my deficits, it was all I could think about. Things almost seemed easier not to tell anyone, that way it wasn't really happening right?
The father well He's a Jamaican! I can hear some 'so whats' and some 'oh Gods' out there. When this miracle of life took place we were very much broken up but after spending several months in Jamaica working, we still spent alot of time together and he sent me home with a very lovely parting gift. It's not like I didn't know what happens to people that have unprotected sex, it's like I wanted him to do it. How can a grown woman like my self have unprotected sex with a man and than pretend there would be no consequence. Perhaps because I had never been pregnant before so why would it happen now, I don't know but I was surely being stupid. But I ask why the hell do I want to get pregnant now and why the hell is it with him. Actually let me take that back, he is not a bad guy, he is sweet, funny and like me pretty down to earth. We went to the movies, to eat and sometimes just watch bootlegs at home. We had what most would call an average relationship, no real problems. I am older than him by more than 5 years but I mean let's get over that now. He's definatly not the worst person this could be happening with. Somehow I feel that I maybe the one who is not exactly cut out for this job.
I feel terrible that at this stage in my pregnancy I am feeling total and utter regret, I really wish this never happened, maybe I don't want kids at all my lifestyle just isnt made for it right now. Amongest everyones 'congrats' and 'everything will work out' ' speeches I mean everyone else seems to be alot more positive about it than me I am assuming in an attempt to keep me from jumping off a bridge. I can't seem to feel any sort of realxation or positive feelings about what is to come. I just want things to go back how they were, After the tour in fact I was planning on heading right back to Jamaica, not now.
Anyway what is done is done and still I don't know why I have decided to have this baby, I am not ready, at all. There is nothing about my life that says mother other than the fact my uterus is clearly in working order. On a daily basis I have to say 'Oh My Gosh, I have a baby in my stomach' and it's still not sinking in. Or maybe it's sinking in to the point I am drowning in the reality. I really feel it's unfair for me to do this to this child coming, I know I am totally capable and willing to love and care for it but let's face it doesn't really matter, I don't think this kid can eat hugs and kisses.
What the fuck?
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