The favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors.
The attainment of wealth, positions, honours or the like.
The Achievement of something desired planned or attempted.
The gaining of fame or prosperity.
Whether good or bad; the outcome of effort.
Just a few of many definitions of the thing we all ultimately want. However all these definitions have something in common, a world of possibilities. We know you can't or shouldn't measure our own success by the success of another. We can however be inspired by it to create success for ourselves. We could say in terms of earning wealth and prosperity some drug dealers are successful. In terms of position Mafia heads are successful. In terms of 9/11 the so called 'terrorists' were successful. What does all mean? Well to me it is a good indication that your only limited in life by your own short comings and self doubt. With these examples it's clearly shown that achieving what you want in life is a matter of action against lack of action and it's not limited to only the do-gooders.
I have found in my life that I lack focus sometimes. I have come to the conclusion that I am a pleaser and do not appreciate criticism in my ideas, that is just a personal flaw of mine, but excuse me we all have them. I do however accept alternatives or advice when dealing with a situation I think I crave it in fact. I have up to this very day made decisions in my life in order to not be criticized. Do you think it stopped J.Lo from becoming a designer because she can't sew or sketch a dress? No so why should it stop anyone else. It doesn't mean your being disrespectful to the craft, it means your trying something and what is wrong with that. We actually have the right to do and try anything that our hearts and minds desire as long as the intentions are good at least. By definition that is what success is; whether good or bad the outcome of effort.
It is hard when you have such phenomenal examples of success surrounding you as I have, I am inspired by them and respect their opinions, frequently more than my own. But I feel like I need to do something too and why should I be made to feel it's the wrong thing because it's not what another would do or how another would do it. I know it's not the only way but it's the way I came up with and guess what I am actually excited about it. Maybe it will work maybe it will not, maybe they are right but if I let that stop me from doing it I have failed again. And this is no time for failing, my baby is coming.
We have learned to accept women that strip to take care of the baby. We accept the notion of women never seeing or even raising their children all in attempt to provide a meal for them. We accept them leaving them behind to be raised by others in their homelands, as to make a better life. Where's the trade off here. So I got to do, what I got to do now to make things work for us, right or wrong in your opinion can not be a factor. I'm not just doing this for me I am doing it for the family I have now created. Absolutely no disrespect.
The man who makes a success of an important venture never wails for the crowd. He strikes out for himself. It takes nerve, it takes a great lot of grit; but the man that succeeds has both. Anyone can fail. The public admires the man who has enough confidence in himself to take a chance. These chances are the main things after all. The man who tries to succeed must expect to be criticized. Nothing important was ever done but the greater number consulted previously doubted the possibility. Success is the accomplishment of that which most people think can't be done.
C. V. White
Monday, May 11, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Cool it down.
Ok.blame the hormones alright. I must say that as far as I am concerned the feelings that I felt are real and they come and go. So what. I challenge any mother out there in a similar or not even a seemingly as rough circumstance to deny they felt the same way. I mean at one point and time I said to my self I would have been better off getting pregnant as a teen. Any girl I knew back in the day that had a baby before 19 is well on life's track, the baby just seemed to be a small detour in life's road challenge. You don't even have to take time off school because some high schools had free daycare and if not it wasn't very hard to find a subsidy for daycare given to teen moms, that cost as little as giving your own free time. Not to mention you were living at home with your parents or in a teen baby mama's house which let's face it at 17 to be living in a house full of girls in your same situation with the right mind set would have been heaven. You can't exactly feel alone in a place like that, right? Whether they are happy or not with the lives they created I don't know hopefully they are, some are nurses and some do hair, some run businesses and some are I don't want know. All I know is I don't' want to travel back in time. I have already begun to create something and I intend to remain on that track, I am not opposed to taking a new road though.
I watched an episode of Oprah a few weeks ago, where woman all of whom seem to be well off, married happy? spoke 'the real truth about motherhood' . Ok so no one wants to be portrayed as a failure and we do everything we can to make everyone think we are doing and feeling better than we are. Showing and expressing true emotions now a days seem to be a sign of weakness. Not much different I guess when your a parent. If your kid is not in every single extra curricular activity created your a bad parent. If you not pulling your hair out over 'how will I ever get Johnny to soccer and Suzy to ballet and be home in time to make dinner'. Hello you have a nanny and did you forget to mention the nanny is the one that is taking your kids to practice and you will meet them there and you had no intention of making dinner tonight, you know the nanny already made it. But you just have to commiserate out loud to the other moms so you don't feel guilty for it. Believe me I am not judging those woman but don't front. These women on Oprah were making me laugh. There was a mother of 2, one under 5 and a baby, admitting to not bathing the BABY for 3 weeks. What did she say. I can understand you not being able to bathe for 3 weeks but bathe your child man please. I know children are hard work but I can not for any reason what so ever and I mean what so ever see why she can't give the baby a bath for 3 weeks, there is 2 of them not 12, What are you doing? Did I mention not one woman on the show was a single mother, now with my impending birth that is a side of things I would have really liked to hear. People are judgemental everyone thinks they can do better in a situation that they have never faced before fine, I am already receiving the judgment I don't like it but I expected it, I will not be bothered to explain to anyone what goes through your mind when you are dealing with this sort of ultimate life change. Everyone is different and sometimes you really have to let them walk in those shoes, not your shoes but their own. Remember when your parents said you won't really understand until your a parent, yeah yeah we said, I know. blah blah blah.
So ok I snapped, and I will snap again. sue me. It's the Hormones.
I watched an episode of Oprah a few weeks ago, where woman all of whom seem to be well off, married happy? spoke 'the real truth about motherhood' . Ok so no one wants to be portrayed as a failure and we do everything we can to make everyone think we are doing and feeling better than we are. Showing and expressing true emotions now a days seem to be a sign of weakness. Not much different I guess when your a parent. If your kid is not in every single extra curricular activity created your a bad parent. If you not pulling your hair out over 'how will I ever get Johnny to soccer and Suzy to ballet and be home in time to make dinner'. Hello you have a nanny and did you forget to mention the nanny is the one that is taking your kids to practice and you will meet them there and you had no intention of making dinner tonight, you know the nanny already made it. But you just have to commiserate out loud to the other moms so you don't feel guilty for it. Believe me I am not judging those woman but don't front. These women on Oprah were making me laugh. There was a mother of 2, one under 5 and a baby, admitting to not bathing the BABY for 3 weeks. What did she say. I can understand you not being able to bathe for 3 weeks but bathe your child man please. I know children are hard work but I can not for any reason what so ever and I mean what so ever see why she can't give the baby a bath for 3 weeks, there is 2 of them not 12, What are you doing? Did I mention not one woman on the show was a single mother, now with my impending birth that is a side of things I would have really liked to hear. People are judgemental everyone thinks they can do better in a situation that they have never faced before fine, I am already receiving the judgment I don't like it but I expected it, I will not be bothered to explain to anyone what goes through your mind when you are dealing with this sort of ultimate life change. Everyone is different and sometimes you really have to let them walk in those shoes, not your shoes but their own. Remember when your parents said you won't really understand until your a parent, yeah yeah we said, I know. blah blah blah.
So ok I snapped, and I will snap again. sue me. It's the Hormones.
Friday, May 8, 2009
What Baby?
This is a question I often ask myself as if I haven't yet realized I am pregnant. My name is Jeannette, I am 31 single and live in Toronto, surprise on that one. For the past 3 years I have been "making a living" as a freelance Costumer for film and TV and stylist. Recently making the jump into show and event producing. Really loving my work and having the time of my life. My experiences are great my friends and family are great, yeah I could be making more money but nothing comes before it's time. I love to travel to hot places and up until recently was happier than a pig in shit as they say.
I was never really convinced that I'd ever be married, in some form of long term 'relationship' yes but married, I don't know. I knew I wanted children and figured I would as all my friends did that I would be the first of us late in life moms-to-be to have a child just because I was wild like that, you know Jeannette no behaviour as we Caribbean folk would say. Sure enough the Laws of Attraction kick in and here I am 5 months pregnant. After the night of the blessed event, something told me, girl you are pregnant. Heading on a flight to Toronto the very next morning I said to myself we will soon see. OMG, what if I was what would I do. I thought at 31 years old I could not possibly be thinking abortion but I really am in no place financially to deal with this in the manner in which it deserves. Once my intuitions were confirmed, I did feel a spark of happiness even before the utter fright set in. I was heading on a cross Canada promotional tour for a national network TV show and kept my news to my self. For the time being. I knew the reaction would not be good so let me get through this. The morning or I'm going to call it pregnant sickness set in right away so I had to curb my miserableness so that nobody asked me questions, I could barely eat and was tired all the time. After one of my tour mates guessed what was happening to me I decided to tell one of my other friends that was on tour with us. She was shocked of course I really was not interested in any lectures however. I was at that point fully aware of my deficits, it was all I could think about. Things almost seemed easier not to tell anyone, that way it wasn't really happening right?
The father well He's a Jamaican! I can hear some 'so whats' and some 'oh Gods' out there. When this miracle of life took place we were very much broken up but after spending several months in Jamaica working, we still spent alot of time together and he sent me home with a very lovely parting gift. It's not like I didn't know what happens to people that have unprotected sex, it's like I wanted him to do it. How can a grown woman like my self have unprotected sex with a man and than pretend there would be no consequence. Perhaps because I had never been pregnant before so why would it happen now, I don't know but I was surely being stupid. But I ask why the hell do I want to get pregnant now and why the hell is it with him. Actually let me take that back, he is not a bad guy, he is sweet, funny and like me pretty down to earth. We went to the movies, to eat and sometimes just watch bootlegs at home. We had what most would call an average relationship, no real problems. I am older than him by more than 5 years but I mean let's get over that now. He's definatly not the worst person this could be happening with. Somehow I feel that I maybe the one who is not exactly cut out for this job.
I feel terrible that at this stage in my pregnancy I am feeling total and utter regret, I really wish this never happened, maybe I don't want kids at all my lifestyle just isnt made for it right now. Amongest everyones 'congrats' and 'everything will work out' ' speeches I mean everyone else seems to be alot more positive about it than me I am assuming in an attempt to keep me from jumping off a bridge. I can't seem to feel any sort of realxation or positive feelings about what is to come. I just want things to go back how they were, After the tour in fact I was planning on heading right back to Jamaica, not now.
Anyway what is done is done and still I don't know why I have decided to have this baby, I am not ready, at all. There is nothing about my life that says mother other than the fact my uterus is clearly in working order. On a daily basis I have to say 'Oh My Gosh, I have a baby in my stomach' and it's still not sinking in. Or maybe it's sinking in to the point I am drowning in the reality. I really feel it's unfair for me to do this to this child coming, I know I am totally capable and willing to love and care for it but let's face it doesn't really matter, I don't think this kid can eat hugs and kisses.
What the fuck?
I was never really convinced that I'd ever be married, in some form of long term 'relationship' yes but married, I don't know. I knew I wanted children and figured I would as all my friends did that I would be the first of us late in life moms-to-be to have a child just because I was wild like that, you know Jeannette no behaviour as we Caribbean folk would say. Sure enough the Laws of Attraction kick in and here I am 5 months pregnant. After the night of the blessed event, something told me, girl you are pregnant. Heading on a flight to Toronto the very next morning I said to myself we will soon see. OMG, what if I was what would I do. I thought at 31 years old I could not possibly be thinking abortion but I really am in no place financially to deal with this in the manner in which it deserves. Once my intuitions were confirmed, I did feel a spark of happiness even before the utter fright set in. I was heading on a cross Canada promotional tour for a national network TV show and kept my news to my self. For the time being. I knew the reaction would not be good so let me get through this. The morning or I'm going to call it pregnant sickness set in right away so I had to curb my miserableness so that nobody asked me questions, I could barely eat and was tired all the time. After one of my tour mates guessed what was happening to me I decided to tell one of my other friends that was on tour with us. She was shocked of course I really was not interested in any lectures however. I was at that point fully aware of my deficits, it was all I could think about. Things almost seemed easier not to tell anyone, that way it wasn't really happening right?
The father well He's a Jamaican! I can hear some 'so whats' and some 'oh Gods' out there. When this miracle of life took place we were very much broken up but after spending several months in Jamaica working, we still spent alot of time together and he sent me home with a very lovely parting gift. It's not like I didn't know what happens to people that have unprotected sex, it's like I wanted him to do it. How can a grown woman like my self have unprotected sex with a man and than pretend there would be no consequence. Perhaps because I had never been pregnant before so why would it happen now, I don't know but I was surely being stupid. But I ask why the hell do I want to get pregnant now and why the hell is it with him. Actually let me take that back, he is not a bad guy, he is sweet, funny and like me pretty down to earth. We went to the movies, to eat and sometimes just watch bootlegs at home. We had what most would call an average relationship, no real problems. I am older than him by more than 5 years but I mean let's get over that now. He's definatly not the worst person this could be happening with. Somehow I feel that I maybe the one who is not exactly cut out for this job.
I feel terrible that at this stage in my pregnancy I am feeling total and utter regret, I really wish this never happened, maybe I don't want kids at all my lifestyle just isnt made for it right now. Amongest everyones 'congrats' and 'everything will work out' ' speeches I mean everyone else seems to be alot more positive about it than me I am assuming in an attempt to keep me from jumping off a bridge. I can't seem to feel any sort of realxation or positive feelings about what is to come. I just want things to go back how they were, After the tour in fact I was planning on heading right back to Jamaica, not now.
Anyway what is done is done and still I don't know why I have decided to have this baby, I am not ready, at all. There is nothing about my life that says mother other than the fact my uterus is clearly in working order. On a daily basis I have to say 'Oh My Gosh, I have a baby in my stomach' and it's still not sinking in. Or maybe it's sinking in to the point I am drowning in the reality. I really feel it's unfair for me to do this to this child coming, I know I am totally capable and willing to love and care for it but let's face it doesn't really matter, I don't think this kid can eat hugs and kisses.
What the fuck?
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